Merlin, She's Properly Plastered
by Draco Malfoy is Blonde
Summary: Plastered, sloshed, shitfaced, hammered, intoxicated, trashed, smashed, wasted, pissed, inebriated or drunk, they all mean the same thing and Hermione is all of them! M for alcohol use and sexual themes, Hermione/Ron one-shot.


It was the 17th June 2012 and Hermione Weasley was sitting in the large Marquee set up in the Weasley's yard. She was dressed in a dress not dissimilar to the dress robes she wore to the yule ball back in fourth year, though now she was required to carry about a little bunch of flowers.

Hermione downed another glass of champaign.

Ginny was a dear friend, not to mention her sister in law as of two years ago, but Harry was her best friend, and she in no small terms had told him Ginny wasn't right for him. It was painfully obvious the girl had never even tried to shed the hero-worship crush she had on the boy, Harry himself had told hermione he fell in love with Ginny when they were on the 'camping trip' in seventh year.

So they weren't in love, they were just in love with the idea of each other. And Hermione had warned them, they both complained about each other already, Harry was living in Grimmauld Place and Ginny hated the old house, and they fought over it until Harry agreed to buy a house in the town of Ottery St. Catchpole, even though he didn't want to, when the Auror had warded the house, Ginny had thrown him out for three days! She didn't like his long hours, she didn't like that he preferred to have a quiet night at home than spoil her with dinners and dates, Hermione told Ginny thats just who Harry Potter was and Ginny didn't listen.

Hermione Weasley was surprised to get an invitation to the Potter's wedding thats how hard she'd fought Harry when he announced he was planning to propose, but Hermione was Ginny's maid of honor, which makes her think Harry never told Ginny Hermione thought they ought not to get married, which Hermione thought was odd.

She snagged another glass of champaign from a passing bus boy and stood, her world did a little front flip and Hermione hiccuped and giggled, supporting her weight on the chair she'd just vacated.

Ron came to her, the man was incredibly handsome and she told him so, his hair was still quite thick and lovey and red and he had a short beard, tall and broad shouldered and his arms... mmm...

She giggled as he held her up, taking another sip of the bubby alcohol in her hand. He smiled down at her.

"I haven't seen you this drunk in a long time," He said, she nodded.

"I'm pretty sloshed." Hermione announced, "I still think this is a bad idea." Hermione said, trying to sound sensible but she slurred her words quite badly. Ron nodded.

"I know," He said, "Just keep your voice down, you know how upset you made Harry when you told him the first time."

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, "I should see him, Help me-" Hermione dragged Ron along, he did a good job of stopping her from going ass over head. Harry was talking to Bill and George, and he openly laughed at Hermione when she stumbled up to them.

"Good champaign then, Hermione?" George asked the woman, she looked cross, pointing an accusing finger slightly over his left shoulder (Ron corrected the direction of her angry gesture.)

"Thanks dear," She mumbled. "Yes!" She said to George, taking another sip. "Its quite good."

The boys all laughed and George took his leave and Bill went to find Fleur.

"Harry!" Hermione said, still using Ron to keep standing upright, Harry swapped her nearly empty champaign glass for one with water. He wasn't upset though.

"You'll have a headache in the morning Hermione, don't you remember that Haloween?" Harry asked her, laughing. Hermione shook her head.

"That was horrid, but no matter, I'm happy for you Harry, I'm sorry, for what I said... I... You're like my son, and I have to take good , good care of you..." Hermione grinned at Ron. "Harry's like our son!" She exclaimed and then dissolved in a fit of giggles. She missed the amused look her two boys shared over her shoulder.

"She's not right for you, Harry." Hermione said when she recovered from her fit of giggles. Ron looked horrified and Harry had a hard line to his lips.

"Sorry Mate, you know she just wants to make sure you're happy, right?" Ron said, Hermione nodded very obviously.

"Happy Harry," She slurred, "Happy Harry!" She exclaimed again and they lost her to giggles.

"Merlin she's properly plastered." Ron announced.

"Might be a good night to bring up having children again then?" Harry joked, Ron laughed but shook his head.

Hermione recovered enough to hit harry for his poor suggestion, then continued her train of thought.

"You deserve to be Happy Harry!" Hermione said, "And I think-"

"Oh dear."

"Shut up, Ron! I think that, in the end Ginny won't make you Happy Harry. She'll make you Sad Harry."

"Okay, thats enough," Ron said, "Before you ruin Harry's night." With one arm Ron picked her up and took her away. "Ignore her mate, she'd not got all her facilities about her, enjoy your night and congratulations, we're both really happy for you, truly."

The utterly trashed Hermione Weasley was dragged away by her husband.

"Ron!" She whined, "Don't put words in my mouth!"

"Shhh," Ron said, "I know you don't like it, but tonights not the night to bring it up, dance with me."

"He ony gets upset by it because he knows I'm right!" Hermione pressed, Ron pushed her face into his collarbone.

"Yes dear, you know it all," He mumbled, making her laugh, and they swayed about on the dance floor, Ron's shoulder muffling any other words that she saw fit to release from her mouth.

Soon the mood passed, and Ron left her by herself again without fear of her enlightening the other guests of what a bad idea this marriage was. She didn't though, not wanting to get in trouble from big, bad Auror Ron again.

Hermione was roped into a conversation with Mrs Weasley and Ginny, which was fine until it took a dangerous turn.

"I'm excited for tonight," Ginny confided, Mrs Weasley crinkled up her nose in disgust.

"My wedding night was amazing," she said then, causing Ginny to crinkle up her nose in disgust. "That first intimate night between a man and a woman is unforgetable." Mrs Weasley was telling her daughter, Hermione however 'lost her shit'. The other two women looked at the laughing girl with amused expression, their own faces rather flushed from the alcohol and general jolly mood.

"Mr's Weasley, you're a laugh!" Hermione said, the older woman looked confused. And Hermione had no trouble continuing.

"You and Mr. Weasley were married in May, weren't you?" Hermione asked. Mrs Weasley nodded.

"Yes dear, the end of May."

"I know Bill was born six months after your wedding," Hermione said giggling, she began laughing outright when Mrs Weasley's ears turned red just like Ron's.

"Naughty, Naughty." Hermione mock scolded, even Ginny was giggling with Hermione, despite her mother's embarrassment - more likely because of her mother's embarrassment.

"Theres nothing wrong with," Hermione had to pause to continue her giggling, "Making the 'beast with two backs' before you're married."

Ginny was shocked by Hermione's words and spat her champaign out before giggling, and even Mrs Weasley was laughing.

"You have to 'try before you buy'," Hermione continued seriously, "even me and Ron had sex before we were married, thats how we figured out the room of requirement still worked at school, Harry got sick of us borrowing the marauders map."

It seemed as though Hermione had forgotten whom she was talking to, because Mrs Weasley looked furious and Ginny looked very entertained.

Hermione took another sip of champaign. "Of course, it was so hard to get condoms into Hogwarts," Hermione continued much to the horror of her husband's mother and sister. "He had to bring them in when he visited me, so we figured it out, don't worry! They're hard enough to get anyway, we have to special order ours, we need to get the largest condoms in the UK mmmph!"

Ron's hand slapped over her mouth, a horrified look on his face, it wasn't just Ginny and Mrs Weasley listening to Hermione's intriguing tale, but near enough half the wedding reception, Harry and George were just about pissing themselves with laughter.

"Who's have thought Ickle Ronnikins was such a stud?" Percy asked conversationally, causing George and Harry to just about fall over wit laughter.

Once that bout of excitement had died down and Ron had endured a rather long and embarrassing lecture from his mother about the risks of pre-marital coitus (and enlightening conversation for poor Bill, who had never done the maths before and was dragged into the conversation as a 'perfect example') it seemed as though Hermione's reign of terror was at an end, she had a confusing and long conversation with Percy about the Ministry's newest policies, twice during Ron had to stop her from revealing highly confidential information. Then there was dancing and inevitably more drinks before Hermione grew tired and wandered off from the party...

Hermione felt like she'd ben backed over by the night bus, her head was throbbing and her limbs were all stiff. She smelt rank - not like vomit thank god - but she'd fallen asleep in her dress and shoes, frowning she sat up, with a tremendously loud bang her head hit the bottom of something metal and she flopped back onto the ground, because she wasn't in bed, she was outside, she could see the marquee, abandoned in the yard. Hermione held her throbbing head for a moment before crawling out from under the rusted old trailer she'd passed out under.

"There you are," A gentle voice said, a hand was extended in front of her and she took his familiar hand.

"I figured you'd be about, its like Halloween all over again."

Ron slipped something over her eyes, sunglasses and she sighed in relief as the sharp pain of the rudely bright sun was taken from her throbbing headache, next was a bottle of water, which she accepted gratefully.

"Oh dear," Hermione mumbled, finally trying to pull herself up. Ron helped, wrapping an arm around her waist to steady her and she fell against his shoulder "Oh, I'm bad, thats terrible. What time is is?"

"You weren't the most sloshed, Dad's still missing, we think he's in the shed, Ginny ended up vomiting most of last night and then going straight to bed after she and George tried to drink Luna under the table, Luna, ironically is fine. Neville and I ended up writing heaps of owl posts to people from school and sent them off, then George let off some fireworks about three and set the marquee on fire and mum wrapped it up after that." Ron told her, stroking her hair gently.

"Harry?" She asked.

"He's in the kitchen," Ron said, "Had a fantastic night."

"Oh good." Hermione mumbled.

Ron led her back towards the burrow, and indeed there was a mismatched crowd of people in various states of hungover.

Harry had dark circles under his eyes but a happy smile on his face.

"Get that stupid look off of your face Potter," Hermione grumbled sitting down at the kitchen table.

"How much of last night do you remember?" Harry asked, Hermione cringed, it was quite common knowledge when she drank she often had very bad amnesia. Hermione shook her head, after being introduced to Great Aunt Muriel (again) and starting on her seventh glass of champaign... nothing.

"Oh dear, not much."

Harry smiled and Mrs Weasley patted her on the back.

"So you don't remember telling me you and Ron have to buy the largest Condom's in the UK?" Mrs Weasley asked conversationally, Ron's ears went red and Hermione felt her own face heat.

"He gets that from me," Arthur assured the room, George and Harry were dissolving in fits of laughter once more.

"Oh dear, I didn't," Hermione mumbled, mortified, into her hands. Ron patted her on the back, in what was supposed to be a reassuring manner.

"Yes dear, you really did."


End file.
